Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty
Quantity:
Subtotal
Taxes
Shipping
Total
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
CelebrateThank you for your business!You should be receiving an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Cart

Column Archives

August 2014: You Talkin' to Me?

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 3:05 AM

It occurred to me as I mentally burned a hole in the face of the driver who was blocking the driveway as I was attempting to exit a strip mall that there are things we do righteously behind the wheel that we would never do as pedestrians.

Can you imagine coming up behind someone ambling along in front of you and hovering so close you could see the hairs on the back of their neck standing up?

“Can I help you?” you might ask.

“You’re moving way too slow,” the offender replies.

“So you thought you’d piggy-back me to help me move faster?”

Or having someone trying to hurriedly cross your path and instead of just letting them, you speed up.

“No, no, no,” you say as you get up to a full trot. “Not getting away with that today. No sir. Uh-uh!”

Let’s get back to those blockheads blocking the driveway? Can you imagine someone standing in front of a doorway so you couldn’t pass?

“Uh, excuse me. I need to get through.”

“I was here first.”

“I see that, but you’re not moving and I need to pass through.”

“Should have thought of that when you got up this morning.”

“You do realize you’re a Neanderthal, right?

“Racist!”

Something about the power behind the wheel of a two-ton machine makes us think we’re Hercules, when, in fact, we are Pee Wee Herman.

Many years ago when I was younger, thinner and had a fraction of the sense I do now, I had an incident on a city street with two women in a convertible. Pepper, Janice and I were making our way across the street in the crosswalk when said chicks entered the intersection in their fancy schmancy car. Apparently, we weren’t moving fast enough for them. Perhaps there was a sale on silicone at Boobs R Us they needed to get to, I don’t know. In any case, they nudged their car into us in an effort to hurry us along. When I turned and gave the WTF?! look, the driver foolishly piped up.

“It’s not like you couldn’t use the exercise,” she called out as she sped away, long hair floating in the wind, laughing all the way.

“Take this,” I said to Pepper, handing her my carefully wrapped carton of Boston Crème pie.

Quite instinctively and with no real plan, I took off down the street in hot pursuit of the ditzy twins. Perhaps like a mother whose child is trapped under a dump truck or a person running into a burning building while everyone else is exiting, I was suddenly possessed with equal amounts of super human strength and lack of reason or prudence.

As fate would have it, the stoplight turned redder than my face and while the giggling gals pulled up to the stop, I miraculously caught up to the car. Like that hold Hertz commercial, I flew into the backseat and tapped Miss Thing on the shoulder.

“Did you have something to say to me?!” I sneered.

The only thing whiter than her face at that moment was the pasty thighs of her gal pal. They shrieked in unison, only to become frozen and fixed in place.

“I didn’t think so,” I snapped, as I calmly exited the way I came, walking back to Pepper and Janice, eyes wide and mouths agape.

“My pie, please,” I said.

So the moral of today’s story is: just like that box of chocolates Forrest’s mother gave him, you never know what kind of nut you’re going to get. So do yourself a favor and slow your roll. We’ll all get wherever we’re going sooner or later and, if you’re smart, all in one piece.

 -30-

Categories: None

Post a Comment

Oops!

Oops, you forgot something.

Oops!

The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In

561 Comments

Reply chzsun
2:34 PM on November 28, 2022 
fake liverpool shirt toronto blue jays florida hat vector quality login moncler fulmarus blue blue jumpsuit dress payton pritchard celtics shirt youth nike san francisco 49ers 23 lamichael james limited white nfl jersey sale
chzsun http://www.chzsun.com/
Reply winasms
6:46 PM on November 27, 2022 
fake liverpool shirt toronto blue jays florida hat vector quality login moncler fulmarus blue blue jumpsuit dress payton pritchard celtics shirt youth nike san francisco 49ers 23 lamichael james limited white nfl jersey sale
winasms http://www.winasms.com/
Reply felsefegram
7:13 AM on November 27, 2022 
air force 2 shoes high top detachable pom pom beanie rangers lundqvist jersey retirement adidas ultraboost pb black black moncler coat with fur hood ladies football wear
felsefegram http://www.felsefegram.net/
Reply natbrasil
8:55 PM on November 25, 2022 
red moncler coat kids boston red sox hat with lobsters prices louboutin aliexpress nike air max 90 herre canada men nike san diego chargers 30 ronnie brown elite navy blue team color nfl jersey sale air jordan 13 xiii retro schwarz
natbrasil http://www.natbrasil.com/
Reply twardak
2:31 AM on November 25, 2022 
womens new nike shoes 2021
twardak http://www.twardak.com/
Reply labelmycd
7:01 PM on November 23, 2022 
tiffany co love heart earrings nike sb stefan janoski mid glitter suit ladies zach randolph portland jersey moncler agay military green sacramento kings crewneck sweatshirt
labelmycd http://www.labelmycd.com/
Reply parkedrama
8:24 AM on November 23, 2022 
alexandra dress realisation par mens nike denver broncos 23 willis mcgahee game navy blue alternate nfl jersey sale mk jet set bifold wallet ladies gilet with fur collar corduroy blazer outfit pandora s925 ale 52
parkedrama http://www.parkedrama.com/
Reply nardulan
12:20 AM on November 21, 2022 
saucony endorphin speed 2 shield oakley sunglasses targetline kansas city super bowl hoodie santos fc kit klopp jacket nfl cowboys attire
nardulan http://www.nardulan.com/
Reply milumba
10:10 AM on November 20, 2022 
air force 2 shoes high top detachable pom pom beanie rangers lundqvist jersey retirement adidas ultraboost pb black black moncler coat with fur hood ladies football wear
milumba http://www.milumba.com/
Reply saponions
2:13 AM on November 20, 2022 
youth kids nfl jerseys baltimore ravens 9 justin tucker purple drift fashion jerseys nike kobe 6 hvid new york yankees hats official site visit stockx cement 3 cloud white yeezy boost 350 v2 cleveland browns winter hat for sale
saponions http://www.saponions.com/
Reply alhepsi
3:02 AM on November 18, 2022 
oversized short sleeve blouse 49ers camo hat for sale moncler coat new new balance 990 blue and grey 47 brand boston red sox hat year
alhepsi http://www.alhepsi.com/
Reply tenergys
2:56 PM on November 17, 2022 
kittle 75th anniversary jersey rb2140 derrick henry vapor jersey tenis adida nmd r1 black and red jordans 11 retro mahomes green jersey
tenergys http://www.tenergys.com/
Reply dietibg
8:29 PM on November 16, 2022 
nike court bucket hat tiffany emerald necklace patent leather doc martens noracora maxi dresses cheap football jerseys online moncler moka sale
dietibg http://www.dietibg.net/
Reply skinmodz
7:32 AM on November 15, 2022 
jordan 1 melo blanc air penny white long lehenga for 13 year girl tanjina mixed print pleated dress jovani pageant dresses pittsburgh pirates boonie hat orange
skinmodz http://www.skinmodz.com/
Reply gtrelarm
8:22 AM on November 14, 2022 
michael kors suri bucket all red jordan 11 gown with shirt tiffany fleur de lis bangle oakley milestone 3.0 replacement parts chanel quilted glasses
gtrelarm http://www.gtrelarm.com/
Reply namasedu
6:31 PM on November 13, 2022 
new balance pink glow ysl white mini bag nike mens zoom vapor x tennis shoes off white lot 36 wholesale skull caps do rags mama bird t shirt
namasedu http://www.namasedu.net/
Reply lawnpink
5:10 PM on November 12, 2022 
moncler jacket no hood rangers 29 adrian beltre grey road womens stitched mlb jersey christian louboutin baby girl shoes football kit for 12 year old for cheap nike air max 90 slate blue los angeles angels hat pink
lawnpink http://www.lawnpink.com/
Reply monikakrol
11:58 AM on November 10, 2022 
moncler coat red womens bears blue jersey touched by nature dresses vivobarefoot magna trail ii fg mens obsidian boss gilet mens sale rolex hat vintage
monikakrol http://www.monikakrol.com/
Reply homembt
2:51 AM on November 10, 2022 
moncler lamentin moncler palm angels jacket seattle mariners mlb hat for sale custom colombia jersey for cheap nike air max 2017 men cheap blue and purple shoes
homembt http://www.homembt.com/
Reply edcialistop
6:52 PM on November 7, 2022 
blue air jordan 1 mid lifeproof samsung s10 plus sofia the first dress online pier one short beanie new latest fashion dress asics gold trainers
edcialistop http://www.edcialistop.net/