It seemed simple enough. I went on Amazon.com looking for a calendar for our home to help Pepper keep track of our busy schedules. I could select, order and have it in the mail to us in a couple of days. Done.

She needed something easy to read and large enough to write several items per day in some cases. We seem to have more than our share of entries. There’s superfluous school closings for the kids—an entire week for ‘President’s holiday” and spring break--the random days off for no good reason, short days, minimum days, late days and dazed days. Then, there’s work, choir, theatre and improv practice and performances for Cory; dances/parties, travel and high school softball practice, games, and tournaments for Shea; numerous medical appointments and some outings with friends for Pepper and, lastly, an opening, pouring and drinking wine schedule for me.

It’s clear why I needed to look for something a little special under the circumstances. I type in “Large calendars” and the results were overwhelming.

“Monster Grid!”

“Mom’s Colossal Family Calendar!”

“Jumbo Scheduler!”

“Big, Bigger, Biggest!!”

And, on and on. Every type of calendar known to woman, with adjectives a thesaurus threw up when it swallowed the word ‘big.’ Mammoth! Jumbo! Humongous! Big-Ass! WT--?!

They all have the bare essentials—the months, the days. But, just how big is “big?” Is “ginormous” bigger than “huuuuuuge?” and is “gargantuan” even bigger or something between ‘super-sized” and ‘humongous?” And if it’s anything like t-shirts made in the Taiwan, it’s all relative. Their “XL” is my “no way in hell!”

Okay, you’re probably saying, “Why don’t you just look at the measurements?” And, I’m saying ‘Blah, blah, blah. Why don’t you just shut up?!” This is my column and I’m ranting. I don’t have time for no stinkin’ measuring tapes. I’m not a mathematician. I just want to buy a calendar. Have a picture of a person standing next to it—that I get.

After I pick size, I’m faced with the type of calendar. Do I want one with stickers of furry little animals that represent each family member? A sweet little Muskrat for Shea, a huge Grizzly Bear for Cory? And what about Pepper and me? I’m just not feeling the oversized mother rat and I’m sure Pepper isn’t either. Forget that one.

There are some with scenic backgrounds for each month or random designs in various colors. Great. Now I have to figure out what’s the best ‘color scheme’ to go with our house. I’m assuming Pep will put this in the office. Or will she? Maybe she needs it in the kitchen. No, there’s no “gigantor” wall space in there. What about the hallway between the family room and the living room? Yeah, that’s good. But what is the “color scheme?” What am I, an interior decorator now? I just want a flippin’ calendar! Speaking of which, is ‘flippable’ the way to go?

My head is spinning. Who knew that buying a simple calendar was like picking out bedroom furniture? I need to take a break, so I’ll give Pepper a quick call and see how she’s doing.

“Hi honey,” I said. “How’s your day going?”

“You know what I wish?” she replied.

“Besides that you could rub a lamp and turn me into Queen Latifah?”

“And that. I wish I had a nice, big…calendar…”

*click.

“Hello? Judy? Are you there? Hmm. Call must have dropped. Damn Sprint

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