Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty
Quantity:
Subtotal
Taxes
Shipping
Total
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
CelebrateThank you for your business!You should be receiving an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Cart

Column Archives

February 2016: Your Mama Don't Dance...

Posted on February 21, 2016 at 8:55 PM

Parents strive to make their children happy. When they are infants, it’s not too difficult. You feed them, change them, bathe them and rock them to sleep. They cry, you cry, no one sleeps, but ultimately, everyone’s in love with each other. In elementary school they start telling you what they want. Mostly what other kids have and that they absolutely can’t live without. And it becomes a little harder to make and keep the little dickens happy but they still love you unconditionally, and consequently you’re happy to oblige. Then comes the mother of all stages—puberty. It’s like having a menopausal, flesh-eating bacteria-ridden small person with pms and PTSD blended for the perfect unsmoothie. It’s then that you realize the only thing you can be sure of is that you will make them UNhappy.

There is some satisfaction in knowing that you really don’t have to work at this. Just do what you normally do and voila! they are pissed. Here are just a few of the sure-fire way to make and keep the youngins unhappy till the day they leave the dungeon in which they are trapped with the likes of you.

“You make me feel like dancin’” Faster than a cat can lick its arse, their lopsided smiles will be wiped from their pusses if you even think about bustin’ a move. It could be as simple as rocking gently to a song on the car radio to striking a pose on the dance floor at somebody’s Bar Mitzvah. When Mama got low, so did their respective, pubescent faces. You would think that I had stripped down to my 36-hour and granny panties and slid down the drainage pipe or something. I only did that once and they were very, very young and couldn't possibly remember. But, I digress.

“Cheers!” Their life goals at this age can be summed up pretty simply: avoid being seen with their parents and play Strip or Dare Beer Pong. But at home, you suddenly have Carrie Nation monitoring you.

“Are you drunk?” Shea asked me as we clinked a glass of champers as the ball dropped on New Year’s Eve.

“Apparently not,” I replied, “Because I can still see and hear you.”

“SWAK!” A peck on the cheek, holding hands, smiling and winking at one another in public are signs of a happy, healthy marriage. But not if you’re their parents. You are disgusting aging porno stars invading your kid’s holy space. Once you gave birth to them, you became empty vessels from the waist down. Your goods apparently dropped out in the grocery store one afternoon and were swept up with the rest of the trash. When my sister was divorcing at the ripe old age of 41, her preteen daughter was understandably upset. She asked her if she was planning on ever getting married again.

“Maybe,” my sister said.

“Why bother?” she scolded her. “It’s not like you’re ever gonna have sex again anyway.”

“Buwahahahaha!” You may smile, chortle, snicker, and sputter through burlap sack, but whatever you do don’t laugh. Just don’t. Full frontal giggles, guffaws, and other face-consorting glee is apparently another no-no—particularly, if punctuated by a snort.

So what is the common denominator here? It’s the stuff we adults do when we are happy. Sing, dance, drink, laugh and get merry with our honey. While you spend your life wanting them to be happy--and you know it--they seem to want just the opposite for you--clap your hands.

But, hey! We’re in charge. We’re the ones who pay the bills. We’re the kings and queens of our castles. So, I say: Turn up music! Pop open the corks! Laugh and sing maniacally in your drawers! Right after the kids leave for camp.

 

-30-

COPYRIGHT 2016 JUDY LANE


 

 

Categories: None

Post a Comment

Oops!

Oops, you forgot something.

Oops!

The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In

2432 Comments

Reply homembt
6:40 AM on November 28, 2022 
how to make a cute baby hat tutorial womens world cup england kit vikings cousins jersey for cheap wolford turtleneck dress long gilets ladies
homembt http://www.homembt.com/
Reply stylepoznan
12:08 PM on November 26, 2022 
nike ravens 73 marshal yanda purple mens stitched nfl limited rush jersey moncler fur parka nike kyrie 3 sz 12 adidas sneakers originals white
stylepoznan http://www.stylepoznan.com/
Reply nardulan
3:01 PM on November 25, 2022 
houston oilers fitted 1890 tea gown rei lone peak womens vivienne westwood bridal gowns matt barnes jersey warriors moss 20 bills
nardulan http://www.nardulan.com/
Reply oraien
2:25 PM on November 25, 2022 
pandora mortar board charm adam thielen authentic jersey for cheap nike patriots 11 julian edelman whitepink womens stitched nfl limited rush fashion jersey under armour clutchfit drive svart and oransje pandora floating heart locket dangle charm sterling silver minnesota twins authentic hat apparel
oraien http://www.oraien.com/
Reply norgran
9:37 PM on November 23, 2022 
moncler jacket blue mens kendrick lamar cortez nike sagan ceremony dresses for bride pandora thick rings boston red sox on field cap zelda
norgran http://www.norgran.com/
Reply declaromag
8:50 PM on November 22, 2022 
all white adidas pure boost uk shoes mexico player jersey for cheap nike roshe run damaschio oro beige charms mary poppins pandora san diego padres star wars hat yelp nike mercurial vortex fg
declaromag http://www.declaromag.com/
Reply nescim
3:22 AM on November 22, 2022 
ultra boost og moncler softshell kate spade scallop bag dress coral peach durham bulls low crown hat plus white shirt womens
nescim http://www.nescim.com/
Reply kozeis
12:36 AM on November 22, 2022 
arsenal 2021 training kit adidas mens cf lite racer byd red trucker cap t co necklace shimano rc9 sphyre black jumper shirt dress
kozeis http://www.kozeis.com/
Reply puntohaber
3:19 PM on November 20, 2022 
pandora jewelry mens necklace adidas originals red track pants steelers merchandise cute cheap wedding dresses jordan 1 mid mystic green blanc mom and daughter party wear dress
puntohaber http://www.puntohaber.com/
Reply quecarajoes
6:04 PM on November 18, 2022 
peplum bandage dress size 14 dress burberry pink cap eagles christmas hat for cheap plain red maxi dress
quecarajoes http://www.quecarajoes.com/
Reply glshlm
5:58 PM on November 18, 2022 
chelsea training kit 2020 royal blue sabres jersey pink spurs jersey yellow arsenal shorts the jordan 5 date nike air max 90 leather womens
glshlm http://www.glshlm.com/
Reply audiamorous
3:41 PM on November 18, 2022 
new balance 501 mens black nike air max 1 black suede waterfowl hunting beanie big wayfarer sunglasses jotaro hat nike manoa boots sale
audiamorous http://www.audiamorous.net/
Reply bibliowine
7:44 PM on November 17, 2022 
nike air max day 2021 womens black moncler coat with fur hood kd v womens all red 97 air max yellow venus jean dress
bibliowine http://www.bibliowine.com/
Reply ledephoto
8:50 PM on November 15, 2022 
new air jordan 7 gs black pink shoes elite brandon williams womens jersey baltimore ravens 98 home purple nfl free trainer 3.0 all grey red uk air jordan spizike black white infrared womens red bottoms elite tom brady mens jersey new england patriots c patch 12 alternate red nfl
ledephoto http://www.ledephoto.com/
Reply ecovinowines
9:51 AM on November 15, 2022 
business casual suit jacket beyonce and tiffany pandora logo heart stud earrings white terry towelling hat round frame ray ban sunglasses fitted green hat
ecovinowines http://www.ecovinowines.net/
Reply ebaumsnation
6:56 AM on November 15, 2022 
rb3648 marshal mavericks custom jersey off shoulder gown for girls nhl devils live stream mesh back 59fifty nike air jordan la to chicago
ebaumsnation http://www.ebaumsnation.net/
Reply cepsarf
12:14 AM on November 15, 2022 
p2 s925 ale 58 barcelona 5 sergio home youth kids child short sleeves 2016 2017 club soccer jerseys mens pink football jersey nike air max 1 og anniversary red moncler everest down jacket
cepsarf http://www.cepsarf.com/
Reply fricade
6:10 AM on November 13, 2022 
sage green smock dress texas rangers nike hat chart elite zach mettenberger womens jersey tennessee titans 7 alternate navy blue nfl rvca hawaii trucker hat elsa peretti e halston pandora turquoise ring
fricade http://www.fricade.com/
Reply rivacover
10:27 AM on November 12, 2022 
1940 cincinnati reds hat 2017 aj1 fear of god mermaid dress long sleeve valencia 23 aymen abdennour home short sleeves mens adults 2016 2017 club soccer jerseys mens black adidas gilet
rivacover http://www.rivacover.com/
Reply vizzdoom
2:25 AM on November 12, 2022 
stylish flat shoes the north face quest insulated jacket hm silver dress jersey ceedee lamb block straw hat jonah hill x adidas samba
vizzdoom http://www.vizzdoom.net/