Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
CelebrateThank you for your business!You should be receiving an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Cart

Column Archives

Spring 2018: Lucky Lady

Posted on April 9, 2018 at 2:10 PM

I don’t possess the gene that compels me to go to a spa or nail salon. I’ve always been uncomfortable with strangers grooming me. That mixup back in the 70s doesn’t count. But as I’ve grown older and unable to tie my shoes without tipping over like a drunk frat boy, caring for my feet has become more difficult. Next to a chili dog, my bride Pepper likes nothing more than going for mani-pedis on a regular basis. Like the Cowardly Lion, she sits there on her throne and grins widely as workers at each limb buff, shine and shellac her paws.

“Clip, clip here/and a clip, clip there/we give the roughest claws/that certain air of savoir faire/in the merry old land of Oz.”

When the regimen is complete, she is shiny new, has regaled everyone with hilarious stories--some of which are true--and tipped several workers and a couple of customers.

As spring has done sprung, I reluctantly agreed to accompany her so that I could wear open toed shoes without scaring small pets and children.

“I’ll handle everything,” she said as we walked into her salon.

“Look,” I said to her. “I just want the basic pedi. No bells, no whistles. No portrait of the Mona Lisa on my big toe. No nothing. Just a basic pedicure.”

She sssshed me as the entire shop greeted her wildly. They practically pulled out the pasha carrier, hoisted her up on their shoulders, carrying her through the shop to her cathedra and began working—singing and whistling like the seven dwarfs.

She waved me in her direction, where they set up a spot for me next to her.

“She just wants a pedicure. Nothing fancy. I know, I know,” she said rolling her eyes to her crew.

The technician motioned for me to put my feet in the bubbly water as she squatted at the edge of the tub assessing the situation.

“Oh, ugh, eh, eee, no!” she said in rapid fire succession. I wasn’t sure if she was ordering lunch or commenting on my piggies.


She just kept tsking and shaking her head.

“Very bad. Very, very bad.” She repeated as she pointed to my heels.

“My heels are bad?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah. Bad. Very bad.”

“Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I came to you and not the dentist,” I quipped.

She rifled through her toolbox looking for just the right equipment. I closed my eyes to try to relax and not get caught up in the noise.

I swore I heard a chain saw revving up as she began scraping those barnacles off my hulls. I looked up to see her wearing a helmet and goggles. The whole salon was in the in duck-and-cover position as nails, skin and random debris flew off my feet.

I felt compelled to make some excuse for the state of my hooves.

“I work with horses,” I said.

“Horses?” she asked.

“Yes, you know all those horses that had to be rescued from the terrible fires? I was there rounding them up to safety. Barefoot. Shoes startle them.  All the ashes and dirt and mud and grime and, well, it had to be done. It’s hard to talk about.”

“Hmm,” she muttered. “Horses.”

Desperate, I continued. “And elephants. I was right there when the circus went down. All those beautiful creatures needed to be calmed and transported. Somebody had to do it.”

“Oh. Elephants,” she mumbled.

When Pepper finally finished leading everyone in a second rendition of “Que Sera!” she turned to listen in on my conversation.

“Don’t say a word!” I chided.

She motioned a zipper across her mouth.

“She’s full of it!” she blurted out.

Mental note to self to never get involved in a caper with this one. She would be singing like a canary when the coppers separated us in interrogation rooms.

As the tech massaged my calves and I was close to proposing, or at least asking her out for a drink, she looked up and me and smiled.

“You lucky lady.”

“I am?” I beamed.

“She is?” Pepper piped in.

“Yes! Very lucky, lucky lady!” she said as she carefully examined my gams, rubbing up and down their length.

I assumed she was reading my varicose veins and could see the future or something.

“How am I lucky?” I asked, anticipating a prediction of a windfall coming my way.

She propped her own leg up on the tub, revealing a hairless, bony limb the size of a toddler’s arm.

“See?” All bone. No food in my country. But, you!” she said grabbing a hunk of my burning love. “Lots and lots of meat. Lots of food! You lucky lady!”

That’s it!

I ran out of that place as fast as those “meaty” calves and decrepit heels could take me and never looked back.

“Don’t worry,” Pepper said when we reunited. “I paid her handsomely and tipped even better. I explained everything to them.”


“Yes. I had to say something to explain your bizarre behavior.”

“You told them I was late for another appointment?”

“Something like that.”

“What. Did. You. Say?”

“I told them you had explosive diarrhea.”

“What?! Why that?! What did they say?” I asked, completely mortified.

“They said ‘No problem. You still very lucky lady!”



Categories: None

Post a Comment


Oops, you forgot something.


The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In


Reply off white x jordan 1
7:11 PM on May 27, 2023 
I intended to compose you this very little word just to say thank you once again for your personal extraordinary suggestions you've discussed on this website. It's simply tremendously generous of people like you to offer unreservedly just what many individuals would've supplied for an electronic book in making some profit on their own, specifically considering that you might well have done it in case you considered necessary. The ideas also acted like the great way to fully grasp that other people have similar fervor just like mine to find out significantly more when it comes to this issue. I believe there are a lot more fun periods ahead for many who go through your site.
off white x jordan 1
Reply golden goose
7:06 PM on May 27, 2023 
I together with my guys were looking at the nice tactics from your website and instantly I had an awful suspicion I had not expressed respect to the blog owner for those tips. Those young men had been as a result happy to study them and now have in reality been loving those things. Appreciate your indeed being quite considerate and then for settling on this form of superb areas millions of individuals are really wanting to learn about. My very own honest apologies for not saying thanks to you sooner.
golden goose
Reply goyard store
6:29 PM on May 27, 2023 
My wife and i ended up being so contented when Chris could finish off his researching through the ideas he received from your web page. It's not at all simplistic to just happen to be giving away tricks which men and women might have been making money from. And we realize we now have you to appreciate for that. The type of illustrations you have made, the easy web site navigation, the relationships you can assist to instill - it's all incredible, and it's really letting our son in addition to our family reckon that this issue is interesting, and that is quite mandatory. Thanks for everything!
goyard store
Reply supreme hoodie
5:59 PM on May 27, 2023 
A lot of thanks for all of the efforts on this web page. My daughter delights in working on investigations and it is easy to see why. We notice all relating to the lively mode you deliver both useful and interesting solutions through this web blog and as well as invigorate response from website visitors on the area of interest then our girl is now learning a lot. Take advantage of the rest of the new year. You are always conducting a great job.
supreme hoodie
Reply palm angels hoodie
4:39 PM on May 27, 2023 
I just wanted to jot down a simple word in order to express gratitude to you for all the precious items you are sharing on this website. My prolonged internet investigation has at the end of the day been recognized with brilliant facts to exchange with my good friends. I would assume that we visitors are unequivocally blessed to exist in a decent community with many wonderful individuals with helpful techniques. I feel pretty privileged to have come across your entire webpages and look forward to many more thrilling moments reading here. Thank you once more for a lot of things.
palm angels hoodie
Reply kyrie shoes
4:03 PM on May 27, 2023 
I and my guys happened to be viewing the great items from your site while instantly developed an awful suspicion I had not expressed respect to the blog owner for those strategies. The boys ended up as a result stimulated to see all of them and have in effect seriously been loving these things. Appreciate your indeed being indeed accommodating and then for picking out variety of fine themes millions of individuals are really needing to know about. Our sincere apologies for not expressing gratitude to earlier.
kyrie shoes
Reply off white hoodie
4:01 PM on May 27, 2023 
My husband and i felt quite contented John could conclude his research because of the precious recommendations he made from your own web page. It is now and again perplexing to just happen to be giving for free facts which some other people may have been making money from. We really remember we now have you to give thanks to for that. The specific illustrations you've made, the straightforward web site navigation, the relationships you can aid to foster - it's many sensational, and it's making our son in addition to us do think that topic is amusing, and that is wonderfully pressing. Many thanks for all!
off white hoodie
Reply nike off white
3:36 PM on May 27, 2023 
My husband and i felt so joyful when Louis managed to finish up his analysis through the precious recommendations he discovered through the weblog. It is now and again perplexing to just choose to be making a gift of thoughts which often many people may have been selling. So we acknowledge we have got the website owner to be grateful to because of that. The explanations you have made, the simple blog menu, the relationships you can give support to create - it's most terrific, and it's really facilitating our son and the family feel that the subject is awesome, which is certainly quite important. Thank you for everything!
nike off white
Reply Elwoodmek
2:50 PM on May 27, 2023 
url= says...
sure save pharmacy
Reply off white hoodie
2:29 PM on May 27, 2023 
I am only commenting to let you be aware of what a wonderful experience our daughter undergone using your blog. She discovered a wide variety of details, most notably how it is like to possess a wonderful giving style to have many more effortlessly thoroughly grasp certain multifaceted things. You really surpassed people's expected results. Thanks for supplying those great, trustworthy, educational and cool thoughts on this topic to Sandra.
off white hoodie
Reply off white outlet
2:26 PM on May 27, 2023 
Thank you for each of your effort on this site. My aunt take interest in conducting investigation and it's simple to grasp why. All of us know all concerning the powerful medium you provide invaluable information by means of this website and therefore boost participation from some others on the subject plus our simple princess is really becoming educated a lot of things. Have fun with the rest of the new year. You are always conducting a dazzling job.
off white outlet
Reply giannis shoes
2:13 PM on May 27, 2023 
I wanted to compose you that little remark to finally say thanks over again on your superb concepts you have featured in this article. It's certainly shockingly generous with you to deliver publicly what many of us would have supplied as an electronic book to make some bucks for their own end, chiefly considering the fact that you might have done it if you ever desired. Those tips in addition served to provide a great way to comprehend the rest have the identical interest really like my very own to realize whole lot more in respect of this problem. I'm sure there are some more pleasurable instances ahead for folks who read carefully your site.
giannis shoes
Reply 100% real jordans for cheap
1:45 PM on May 27, 2023 
I precisely needed to thank you very much all over again. I'm not certain the things that I would've created in the absence of those techniques contributed by you relating to such a theme. It seemed to be the troublesome difficulty in my position, but understanding a new expert technique you resolved it made me to weep for fulfillment. Now i am happy for this help and even sincerely hope you know what a powerful job that you are providing teaching the rest using a site. Most probably you haven't come across any of us.
100% real jordans for cheap
Reply a bathing ape
1:25 PM on May 27, 2023 
Needed to post you that little observation just to give thanks once again over the spectacular pointers you've discussed on this page. This has been quite tremendously open-handed with people like you to supply unreservedly all that most people would have sold for an ebook in order to make some money on their own, specifically given that you could possibly have done it if you wanted. The strategies in addition acted to become easy way to be sure that many people have the same interest the same as my personal own to know the truth a little more when it comes to this problem. I know there are millions of more enjoyable occasions in the future for many who read your blog.
a bathing ape
Reply alexander mcqueen shoes
11:23 AM on May 27, 2023 
I as well as my friends were digesting the great helpful hints located on the blog and then before long I had an awful suspicion I never thanked the web blog owner for them. All of the ladies had been certainly joyful to learn all of them and now have undoubtedly been having fun with those things. We appreciate you genuinely indeed kind and then for finding these kinds of beneficial tips millions of individuals are really wanting to be aware of. Our own honest apologies for not expressing appreciation to you sooner.
alexander mcqueen shoes
Reply golden goose dad star
10:58 AM on May 27, 2023 
Thank you a lot for giving everyone a very remarkable opportunity to read from this website. It really is very useful and also jam-packed with a great time for me personally and my office peers to visit the blog at minimum 3 times in a week to learn the newest items you have got. Of course, I am just actually fulfilled for the beautiful tips and hints you serve. Certain 2 ideas on this page are in reality the simplest we have all had.
golden goose dad star
Reply goyard outlet
10:34 AM on May 27, 2023 
I actually wanted to construct a quick remark in order to say thanks to you for some of the magnificent facts you are giving on this site. My rather long internet look up has now been honored with reliable content to write about with my great friends. I would admit that most of us site visitors actually are extremely lucky to be in a decent site with very many lovely people with useful principles. I feel really lucky to have seen your site and look forward to plenty of more awesome minutes reading here. Thanks a lot again for all the details.
goyard outlet
Reply adidas yeezy
10:26 AM on May 27, 2023 
I simply desired to thank you so much yet again. I am not sure the things I would have handled without these tricks discussed by you about such a question. Previously it was a depressing problem in my opinion, nevertheless understanding the skilled way you handled that made me to jump over joy. Extremely grateful for the service and as well , sincerely hope you are aware of an amazing job you have been getting into teaching the rest by way of your web page. Probably you've never come across any of us.
adidas yeezy
Reply off white outlet online
9:07 AM on May 27, 2023 
Thanks for all your efforts on this site. Ellie delights in working on research and it is easy to see why. Almost all hear all regarding the lively mode you provide vital guidelines via this web blog and even boost participation from the others on that issue while our daughter is certainly starting to learn a whole lot. Enjoy the rest of the new year. You are always conducting a really good job.
off white outlet online
Reply Golden Goose Deluxe Brand
8:38 AM on May 27, 2023 
I precisely wished to thank you very much again. I am not sure the things that I might have worked on in the absence of the actual ideas contributed by you regarding such industry. Entirely was a real alarming situation in my position, but understanding this well-written technique you solved it forced me to leap with fulfillment. Extremely thankful for your service and in addition hope that you really know what a great job you are always putting in teaching people through your blog. Most likely you've never met all of us.
Golden Goose Deluxe Brand