Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
CelebrateThank you for your business!You should be receiving an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Cart

Column Archives

September 2017: With a Rub Rub Here and a Rub Rub There...

Posted on September 21, 2017 at 1:50 AM

When I was a little girl and my birthday was just around the corner, I couldn’t contain my excitement. With my parents and eight kids, our family had built-in birthday parties. I shared mine with my sister who was 4 years and 3 days older. But, our mother made sure we each got our favorite cake. Strawberry shortcake for her and chocolate on chocolate with a side of chocolate for me. And Pepsis for everyone. It was the only time we actually got real soda. Typically it was jugs of Kool-Aid in our fridge, which my older brothers affectionately called “bug juice.” I think it was to deter us younger kids from drinking it. But we were fearless and would live forever so we filled up our Flintstones jelly glasses over and over. But on birthdays, we each had a bottle of Pepsi.

“Away with this swill,” we’d declare as we pushed aside the watery bug juice and chugged our sodas.

Several decades later, things are a little different. I still love my birthday, don’t get me wrong. But my priorities have changed. Instead of dropping hints of a doll or cowboy guns and holster I eyed in a magazine, I’m making annual medical appointments. Like a classic car that was once shiny and new, this body of mine periodically needs some work so it’s easiest to remember to do it in my birthday month.

Some of my parts are rusty. Others need a tune up. While still others are may eventually need to be rebuilt. I wonder if I can ask for Sophia Vergara collection of spare parts.

Like a 20-step preventative maintenance & safety inspection, I open my calendar, get on the phone and start checking off the list:

Headlights – Fortunately mammograms are not necessary every year for women of my advanced years. It’s actually helpful now that my pretty and perkies are long and loose because I can just sit in a chair near the door and flop those girls up on the vice grip making it less involved for me.

Grill – Keeping up with cleanings and lying about flossing “at least once a day!” helps to avoid the dreaded gum planning. The words sounds nearly as awful as the procedure.

Radiator - Avoiding hormone supplements, I’ve managed to keep those hot flashes at bay with a great gift from my friend, Patti—a personal fan draped around my neck.

Under da hood – A tisket, a tasket, all my eggs were in that basket—once. Today there is nary an egg to be found. Not that I’m looking to make the Guinness Book of World Records for birthin’ no baby or anything but it’s sad to think that there’s an old codger out there still producing sperm while my factory was closed in the recession.

When the OB/GYN finished cracking it all open and reeling back his tools, he happily remarked. “Well, this is the last time for this!”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well at your age, medical recommendation is that you no longer need this…” and then muttered something about life expectancy, no point and a dried prune. At least that’s what I heard.

“Well, I beg to differ. I still need this!” I protested, flipping up my paper gown to reveal my aging nether regions.

“Oh, no,” he laughed. “That’s not what I mean. It’s just that there’s no medical reason to test you for certain issues related to your, well…

“Hoo ha?” I offered. “Doc, I’m an old lady. Just give it to me straight. Well, not really. I’m married to woman.”

Suddenly a red light went off in the room and he ran out, screaming “Emergency!” I’m sure it was connected to that wand he was holding to trigger an alarm to go off to get him out of the room.

I’m continuing my yearly ritual of fluid replacement, alignments, and recharging the battery. This year, it includes a better fitting bra to refine the shock absorbers so I can continue to strut this ’53 Model J for many more years to come.


Copyright 2017 Judy Lane

Categories: None

Post a Comment


Oops, you forgot something.


The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In


Reply cursodeunas
11:08 PM on November 28, 2022 
san francisco giants new era mlb youth black white 9fifty snapback cap pandora silver cz swirling symmetry ring red wing boots snake on sole elite damian williams youth jersey miami dolphins 1 road white nfl jordan 13 red and black mens pink adidas jersey for cheap
Reply fatimahb
10:18 PM on November 28, 2022 
nike 354 zoom eye beanie north face gotham ii parka polo manches longues homme armand thiery long sleeve drawstring top islanders devils stream
Reply Kiathund
4:53 PM on November 28, 2022 
prozac 80mg price
Reply Tommyhog
2:57 PM on November 28, 2022 
dapoxetine online uk
Reply nike off white
2:57 PM on November 28, 2022 
This actually answered my downside, thanks!
nike off white
Reply palm angels t shirt
11:29 AM on November 28, 2022 
You made some respectable points there. I looked on the web for the difficulty and found most individuals will go along with together with your website.
palm angels t shirt
Reply listerful
2:58 AM on November 28, 2022 
nf0a3mjl kohls house dresses for seniors toddler knit hat with beard joint new balance white sandals nike stripe moncler pink glitter jacket
Reply cognisiveit
1:44 AM on November 28, 2022 
star wars knit hat pattern all pink new balance 620 uk shoes 15cm pandora bracelet lionel messi merchandise los angeles dodgers hats new eras
Reply birkin bag
6:48 PM on November 27, 2022 
I truly wanted to type a brief comment in order to express gratitude to you for all of the great guides you are giving out at this site. My time consuming internet look up has now been rewarded with brilliant content to exchange with my close friends. I 'd point out that many of us visitors are very fortunate to exist in a decent place with so many marvellous professionals with interesting tricks. I feel extremely grateful to have used the web site and look forward to many more brilliant times reading here. Thank you again for everything.
birkin bag
Reply cheap jordans
6:48 PM on November 27, 2022 
Thank you for each of your efforts on this site. My aunt really loves going through investigations and it's really obvious why. We all hear all regarding the dynamic ways you convey good information through the blog and even boost response from some others on the subject matter so our girl is without a doubt becoming educated a lot. Have fun with the rest of the new year. Your carrying out a superb job.
cheap jordans
Reply off white outlet
6:48 PM on November 27, 2022 
I have to get across my gratitude for your kindness for women who actually need help on this particular subject matter. Your very own dedication to getting the solution all over appears to be wonderfully helpful and has regularly permitted associates just like me to get to their pursuits. Your helpful help and advice entails much a person like me and especially to my mates. Warm regards; from each one of us.
off white outlet
Reply curry shoes
6:48 PM on November 27, 2022 
I actually wanted to make a small note to be able to appreciate you for some of the pleasant steps you are showing on this website. My prolonged internet search has now been rewarded with high-quality information to go over with my family. I 'd declare that many of us website visitors actually are extremely endowed to exist in a good website with many awesome individuals with useful hints. I feel quite happy to have discovered your entire web site and look forward to so many more excellent minutes reading here. Thanks a lot once again for a lot of things.
curry shoes
Reply cheap jordans
6:47 PM on November 27, 2022 
I would like to show my thanks to this writer for bailing me out of such a trouble. Because of checking through the the net and meeting notions which are not powerful, I believed my life was well over. Being alive devoid of the strategies to the problems you have fixed all through the review is a serious case, and those that might have adversely damaged my career if I hadn't come across your website. Your actual ability and kindness in controlling all the things was very useful. I'm not sure what I would've done if I hadn't encountered such a subject like this. I'm able to at this moment look forward to my future. Thanks very much for the professional and results-oriented guide. I won't hesitate to suggest your web blog to any individual who should get recommendations on this problem.
cheap jordans
Reply themrsc
10:46 AM on November 27, 2022 
louis vuitton red bottoms womens nike air max thea femmes gris and blanc new york yankees shop uk pandora rings and bracelets white mini flowy dress nike free 5.0 black toddler for cheap
Reply etuvcihazi
8:14 AM on November 27, 2022 
polo shorts outfit nike vapor air max 2019 blanc under armour hat sizes moncler k2 down jacket four star uswnt jersey soft pink wedding dresses
Reply afidmex
8:10 AM on November 27, 2022 
blue air jordan 1 mid lifeproof samsung s10 plus sofia the first dress online pier one short beanie new latest fashion dress asics gold trainers
Reply k-editions
8:01 AM on November 27, 2022 
new balance pink glow ysl white mini bag nike mens zoom vapor x tennis shoes off white lot 36 wholesale skull caps do rags mama bird t shirt
Reply felsefegram
7:51 AM on November 27, 2022 
arsenal 2021 training kit adidas mens cf lite racer byd red trucker cap t co necklace shimano rc9 sphyre black jumper shirt dress
Reply alhepsi
6:54 AM on November 27, 2022 
women 2014 new nfl jerseys new york jets 87 eric decker drift fashion green elite jerseys new england patriot winter hats for uk boys dress style 2020 vintage lemon dress east carolina pirates top of the world ncaa sunrise adjustable cap reebok jj iii shoes
Reply muitotosto
5:50 AM on November 27, 2022 
new balance running 2020 noir pittsburgh pirates mascot hat dakota the north face baltro juventus top ronaldo airpods max pro case duchess of cambridge shirt dress