Shopping Cart
Your Cart is Empty
There was an error with PayPalClick here to try again
CelebrateThank you for your business!You should be receiving an order confirmation from Paypal shortly.Exit Shopping Cart

Column Archives

April 2019: Take a Hike!

Posted on April 5, 2019 at 11:50 PM

Nothing like a trip to the great outdoors to appreciate how small, insignificant and totally out of shape you are.

Zion National Park has been on our list of places to visit since the kids were babes. And we never let them down. It may take almost 20 years, but Pepper and I do what we promise.

While other college kids were ingesting alcohol through plastic tubes in various orifices on sunny beaches, Cory and Shea agreed to go on a family trip with their mothers.

“Follow the paths where ancient native people and pioneers walked. Gaze up at massive sandstone cliffs of cream, pink, and red that soar into a brilliant blue sky. Experience wilderness in a narrow slot canyon. Zion’s unique array of plants and animals will enchant you as you absorb the rich history of the past and enjoy the excitement of present day adventures.”

To me, “follow the path,” was a suggestion. And, at that, something we could do with our fingers on a map posted on the wall of Lonny Boy’s Barbecue restaurant. But our young, healthy, fit kids had other ideas.

“We’ll start out easy,” Cory assured us. “Then you can see how much you can do.”

Pepper and I walked from the bedroom of the cabin to the kitchen.

“OK,” I said. “When’s lunch?”

Before you could say “LewisandClark!” we were marching up a hill surrounded by those massive sandstone cliffs of cream, pink, and red with strangers from all over the world.

Pepper’s lung condition gave her a sweet pass.

“I’ll be here with the hot cocoa when you get back.”

“What about me?” I thought I said under my breath.

“It’s only about a mile or so in, Mama,” Shea said. “You can do it!”

“Yes. Yes, I can! Where do we board the tram?”

They thought I was kidding.

Surprisingly, I actually made it in--and back out. But, there was one wild moment when I was considering building a lean-to for the night, roasting one of those unique animals on a spit over a fire till dawn.

We had that hot drink and a beautiful dinner. I figured this would be all out of their system by day two. But, apparently, they caught Zion Spotted Fever and wanted more and bigger. The “narrow slot canyon” was not a casino as I had hoped. This was “The Narrows” everyone was talking about.

“For tourist and casual hikers…” said Joe the Hiker.

Joe the Hiker? He didn’t even have a last name. Why are we trusting him? A hike that requires changing into a uniform tells me this is more than casual. The kids stuffed themselves like sausages into one-piece rubber suits, neoprene socks and water proof boots. Each was issued special walking sticks aligned with their height.

“Take a good look at me,” I said to the hiking “specialist” by day and debutante/internet influencer by night. “Do you think I can actually do this?”

Her face contorted into the entire emoticon selection before she settled on “Yeah, no.”

At first, I was confused. Did she say “yeah?” or “no?” But Cory and Shea shaking their heads told me everything I needed to know. I was so happy. I picked her up and twirled her like a baton around the store for a few minutes till I saw the kids making a hasty exit.

Cory and Shea decided that I could at least walk them to the spot where the water appeared. The expression “died and gone to heaven” had new meaning. The scenery was magical and heavenly. But my heart beating outside my chest had little to do with the awe I was feeling and was a little too close to the “died” than I wanted.

“Cory, do you see any defibrillators anywhere?”

“No,” he quipped. “No wine tasting carts or vending machines either.”

“Some vacation!” I wrote in the dirt with a stick, since I couldn’t breathe.

I insisted on “taking in the view” and “snapping once-in-a-lifetime pics.” Anything to pause along the way without calling to much attention to my pathetic condition.

“Shea, darling?” I asked as I dragged my aging chassis up the next bend. “Do you hear Negro spirituals right now?”

“No, Mama.” she grinned.

“No one calling, ‘Go Down Moses…’”

“Yeah, no,” she replied.

When we got to the signs that said, “Danger! Flashflood area! “Enter at your Own Risk!” and “Feeling Lucky, punk?” I knew it was time for me to turn heel and get back down to terra firma.

What was “sick!” “rad!” and “dope!” for the young’ins, who turned up beaten, battered and beaming six hours later, was a bit challenging for Big Mama.

It occurred to me that taking advice about what I can handle from Xtreme gamers was probably not the best choice. “Casual” or “basic” or “easy” are all relative terms. Me? I like visuals. Universal signs work best for me. I made my own chart of hikes and levels of difficulty. I will suggest Utah dress these up a bit and utilize them for those like me yet to come. Till then, happy trails to everyone else.

Categories: None

Post a Comment


Oops, you forgot something.


The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In


Reply Kiathund
1:24 AM on February 2, 2023 
url= says...
buy cheap lexapro
Reply MichaelGauff
11:37 PM on February 1, 2023 
url= says...
levitra 20mg pills
Reply masalokumak
10:32 PM on February 1, 2023 
canada goose bodywarmer grey louboutin so kate 120 sale white cold shoulder t shirt baby care dress online
Reply TimothyInsib
9:35 PM on January 31, 2023 
url= says...
where to buy prednisolone 5mg
Reply kaasajans
2:14 PM on January 31, 2023 
nike flyknit lunar 4 womens all black football sereno 19 pants slim long sleeve navy top kenzo long sleeve polo shirt pandora necklace extender rose gold zalando nike 2k zoom
Reply bitencore
10:11 PM on January 30, 2023 
atlanta braves hat nike urban dictionary red white nike kd 3 youth kids nhl jerseys los angeles kings 8 drew doughty camo veterans day practice 2014 stanley cup finals jerseys moncler grenoble navy jordan 11 zapatillas para venta
Reply workschon
1:32 PM on January 30, 2023 
chivas long sleeve jersey elite andre ellington youth jersey arizona cardinals 38 home red nfl air max 90 sneaker men cheap all grey shoes real air jordan retro for sale scott kazmir 22 white authentic jersey sale old navy pintuck dress
Reply Jimthund
10:26 AM on January 30, 2023 
url= says...
cheapest pharmacy for prescription drugs
Reply Tommyhog
8:08 PM on January 29, 2023 
url= says...
best price zyban 150
Reply benistabili
2:28 AM on January 29, 2023 
christian louboutin yellow shona joy laura ruched maxi dress moncler padding buy cheap football kits for cheap prada wallet petite mother of the bride outfits
Reply yu-travel
7:56 AM on January 27, 2023 
nike air max 90 ultra moire white oregon ducks black uniforms for cheap samsung tablet s6 lite cover tiffany musical note necklace best football jersey 2019 for cheap
Reply osterwoche
11:32 PM on January 26, 2023 
wedding storage box 12 pro max case apple white and grey aj1 best winter hats for older women 1460 doc martens bex air jordan retro 1 shadow 2.0
Reply off white jordan 1
11:42 AM on January 24, 2023 
I just wanted to jot down a quick comment to be able to express gratitude to you for all the pleasant tips you are sharing at this site. My particularly long internet look up has at the end of the day been compensated with beneficial details to go over with my visitors. I would state that that we site visitors actually are extremely endowed to be in a fantastic place with very many lovely professionals with beneficial hints. I feel really grateful to have encountered your web site and look forward to tons of more pleasurable minutes reading here. Thanks a lot again for everything.
off white jordan 1
Reply off white outlet
11:42 AM on January 24, 2023 
My spouse and i were quite relieved when Michael could conclude his web research while using the precious recommendations he obtained from your very own site. It's not at all simplistic to just continually be handing out methods that other folks have been trying to sell. And we all take into account we now have you to give thanks to for that. The specific explanations you've made, the straightforward web site navigation, the relationships you can make it easier to engender - it is most fantastic, and it's really facilitating our son and the family reason why that issue is awesome, which is extremely important. Thanks for everything!
off white outlet
Reply bape clothing
11:41 AM on January 24, 2023 
I want to express my love for your kindness giving support to men and women that need help with your content. Your special commitment to getting the solution around appeared to be amazingly invaluable and have usually allowed men and women just like me to reach their ambitions. Your own warm and helpful report indicates a lot a person like me and somewhat more to my mates. Thanks a ton; from all of us.
bape clothing
Reply yeezy boost 350
10:06 AM on January 22, 2023 
I would like to express my admiration for your kindness giving support to all those that absolutely need help with this one subject. Your very own dedication to getting the solution up and down has been astonishingly advantageous and have without exception helped men and women just like me to achieve their goals. Your personal interesting recommendations signifies a great deal to me and far more to my mates. Regards; from everyone of us.
yeezy boost 350
Reply bape outlet
10:05 AM on January 22, 2023 
I not to mention my pals were going through the best suggestions located on your web blog while unexpectedly I had a horrible suspicion I had not expressed respect to you for those techniques. My boys came absolutely joyful to read them and have in effect in reality been loving them. Thank you for really being so accommodating and for choosing this sort of terrific issues most people are really wanting to understand about. Our own honest regret for not expressing appreciation to earlier.
bape outlet
Reply curry 7
10:04 AM on January 22, 2023 
I am glad for commenting to let you know of the really good encounter my cousin's daughter encountered browsing your webblog. She even learned several things, which include what it is like to possess an incredible coaching mood to get other individuals easily fully grasp certain problematic matters. You actually did more than our own expected results. Many thanks for distributing the helpful, trustworthy, revealing and also easy thoughts on this topic to Evelyn.
curry 7
Reply supreme sweatshirt
11:51 PM on January 21, 2023 
I'm also writing to let you understand of the useful experience my wife's princess experienced using your blog. She figured out a wide variety of pieces, which included how it is like to have an awesome coaching mindset to make many people just learn about a variety of advanced topics. You actually surpassed readers' expectations. Many thanks for distributing these priceless, healthy, edifying not to mention cool guidance on that topic to Kate.
supreme sweatshirt
Reply yeezy 380
11:50 PM on January 21, 2023 
Needed to create you this bit of word to say thank you again on your lovely tactics you've shown in this case. This has been really wonderfully open-handed of people like you to make publicly exactly what many people could have made available for an e-book to generate some bucks for their own end, precisely seeing that you might have tried it if you considered necessary. Those things as well worked to provide a fantastic way to realize that other people have a similar zeal just as my very own to learn somewhat more with respect to this matter. I'm certain there are several more pleasant sessions ahead for individuals that looked at your website.
yeezy 380